BORED

A LOT of people affectionately calls me "Master"... or "Mentor"... or "Sensei"... because according to them, they look up to me as a role model.
Here's a tip: DON'T.
No,seriously. This unintentional facade of mine is definitely misleading. I'm a slacker. I'm lazy as hell. I was raised to not worry about the troubles of the world; to always rely on someone to do the hard work for me. I'm thankful, in a way; but now that i'm getting old, i tell myself... "something's missing."
I see old friends, classmates.. working their asses off and eventually becoming very well-heeled. Never, not once, did i envy them; and it troubles me. No, we're not as rich, but we're good. I work not to earn and save money but to have something to aimlessly spend. No job? No problem. I have my parents to back me up.
BUT THIS IS WRONG. I feel like a rounin - a samurai without a master. I'm 31 years old; but i still have no life goals - NO DREAMS. It's like i'm a living, breathing simulation of myself, controlled by myself -- bored, directionless, doing stuff just because. Having a wife (now ex-wife) didn't cut it; worse, having my son (who's just like a little brother) with me doesn't push me to move forward at all. To think that my son is like the whole world to me... it is very disturbing that it doesn't motivate me. Not one bit.
So yeah. Wake up, JC! Time is like a river, my life is like a boat; and i don't have a paddle. If my motivation is out there -- whether it's a "something" or a "someone"(preferably) ... please, show yourself. Make your presence felt. Let's ride my boat together; and i will give you my undying pledge that no matter how strong the currents are, i will never jump off.

Progress 4!

Progress 4!

Just a few more adjustments (specifically in the battle commands at the left) and it'll be the final battle layout.

Progress 3!

Drastically changed the battle's point of view. If only she's still "with me", then she could've expressed her opinion regarding the matter.

But anyways, at least we're friends in facebook again. Hah, as if that's news. :(

NeYo!

..welcome to the family, "NeYo"! (Hyundai Eon GL)
.. AJ named it NeYo Carrison, "in honor of Nestor and Yolly" -- my parents. they are the ones who bought the car for us as an early Christmas gift, after all. "Carrison", well, according to AJ, it's because it's a car. squint emoticon-_-
..after half a day of practicing, i got the hang of driving a manual transmission car (our other car, "Dudu", is an automatic). as the ultimate test i drove NeYo to Puregold to buy some groceries (it's a half an hour drive). overall, my manual driving skills is still a bit wobbly (mother and AJ were trembling with fear while i was driving); but it's a start. :)
..thank you very much, le parents! smile emoticon

re: ligion

..i used to mock religion. i used to be this pompous, arrogant, and insecure prick who posts hateful messages about religion and their devotees.
..but seeing people, oftentimes close friends... being too dedicated, .. too devoted to their god -- finding comfort and strength by worshiping and loving a higher power... and being able to share that same comfort, strength and love with everyone around them,... it's... quite fascinating.
..and that, my friends, is the thing i find very respectable. so guys, keep praying, keep believing. even though i don't believe in what you believe in, i promise to keep mum and not make fun of you and your religion for as long as i live.

This is the last one! I swear!

Last one for today; at least. :D ..I'll work on my lesson plan next, i promise!

Made good progress on hair transparency; and added bump maps as well. Oh, and added those cute little flowers on her head, too! ^_^

Two characters done, four more to go. Note to self: next time, don't base off your characters on you AND your ex-girlfriends. That way you won't need to create too many characters.

Progress 2!

Not much noticeable change since last progress (visually); but yeah, a LOT has changed. :D

Hmm i should put up a dev blog.

Hush hush.

..when we had the meeting with the principal and the bully's parents regarding AJ's bully issue, the bully's grandmother was too arrogant and too chatty. me and my mother just stayed quiet while the grandmother blabbed:
"I'm a kindergarten teacher for five years so i know how children behave!"
I should have said:
"Well i'm a college professor, teaching game development and artificial intelligence to college students. Including my teaching experience five years ago and my other teaching gigs for companies, that would sum up to more than five years, actually."
The grandmother resumed:
(Pointing to her daughter in law)"My daughter-in-law is an assistant manager in a popular bank!"
My mother should have said:
"Well, near that bank is a fairly large and diverse gift shop / department store, and i own that store."
The grandmother went on:
"My grandson is a naughty kid, i know. But what your grandson did was too unacceptable! He's probably like that at home as well!"
We should have said:
"AJ doesn't even go out to play. He just likes to stay at home and research on online encyclopedias and watch sci-fi movies. He feels guilty and apologizes immediately whenever he accidentally hurts someone, and that doesn't happen a lot at all. He wouldn't harm anyone unless provoked."
..but, we said nothing. we just agreed to the terms and made ammends.
..the lesson here? it's actually quite pathetic that the grandmother had to brag and judge -- it only shows how guilty their side was so they had to cover it up by blabbing nonsense.

Random (?) Post + Pic

Damn, i'm so vain. :))

'Til further notice...

..it's hard to get mad at AJ for standing up to his bully. i mean, this kid has been bugging AJ since, ..forever; and now AJ has finally fought back. AJ grabbed the kid's eyeglasses and stomped on it.
..my mother is furious; but me? ..uhm, i don't know. i've experienced the same thing when i was a kid, and i regret the fact that i never fought back.
..sooo yeah. i think the bully deserved it. i'm actually.. proud of AJ right now although i'm not 100% sure if i should feel this way. unsure emoticon
..but anyway, 'til further notice, ...good job, AJ. >:)

Progress!

Boom.

I can't wait to show this to the world! :D

True, i've neglected almost all of my other important tasks, but who cares, right?!

.....err, or maybe i'm getting too obsessed with this -_-

What he said.

Yup, what he said. :P
This also doubles as a teaser for my team's upcoming RPG. Of course, the small sprite (aka Ajador) isn't ours; but the rest of it was created by yours truly.

And on that day, maybe...

RPG Maker MV is out; I preordered and now that it's released, i haven't slept for over two days! :P

Well anyway, looky here...

It's been a long time since i created any 3d models or did 3d animations; but hey, i churned out a rigged, animate-able model in just 4 hours! 

Guess who? Well, since RPG MAker MV is out, i guess it's about time to finally finish what "we" started. It's the main character (Lohne) for Elementia Story -- DustyCat Media's upcoming RPG!

I hope someday you could stumble upon this blog and see this, Arthemis. Remember this screenshot, remember this post... for i promise to finally finish and release OUR game.

And on that day, maybe you would come back......

Push!

It's ironic that you are desperately longing for your creativity to "return"; but all you've been doing is to push it back.

You pushed "her" away.
You pushed ME away.
You kept relying on "guidelines"; but being creative is about being FREE from ANY guidelines.

Sooo yeah. Goodluck achieving the unachievable (provided that you keep doing what you're doing) :)

P.S. Yeah, i moved on; this is just some good old L'esprit de l'escalier. :)

A Robot.

Ugh.

Either i'm bipolar, or one day i suddenly woke up and i've decided that i hate her again when just a few days ago i was so sure that i wanted her back.

It's... sad. That feeling that you needed either a person or a book to guide you; to hold your hand and show you how to live your life..

That's gotta be annoying. That's gotta be limiting! I wouldn't last a day given the fact that virtually (and exaggeratedly) every single thing i do with my life should be dictated by a book; or, an author of a book (who's also only a mere human,btw)... to the point that if i was told that in order to be "happy" i shouldn't breathe for an hour everyday; or i should eat at least an ounce of human feces every week, i'd do it.

A blank slate. A dummy. Or... okay, a robot. Yep, sorry. A robot.

A robot who willingly offers itself to be programmed and re-programmed by another individual who tells it that only through putting instructions on it could make it truly happy.

The thought that i fell for a girl like that makes me cringe. I have to keep reminding myself that throughout all my adult life i tend to date girls who are wild and free - girls who wouldn't care about what others would say; girls who just "wing it" and take on challenges that life gives them head on without the need of any guide BUT HERSELF. It's not because of fate that i dated girls like them; it's because it was MY choice. MY preference. I never needed to consult someone or something for that.

And yeah, that preference is for keeps. I am looking forward to having a relatioship with another carefree girl, very soon. I wasn't looking before, but i think it's about time that i do.

I'd say, congrats -- thinking about having a relationship with someone like you is goosebumps-inducing; so you've successfully got me off your back.

I've moved on. And when i've decided on something, it's final.

Yep, it is.

Give me a sign.

I had to do it.

I admit that i became some sort of a stalker ever since we parted ways. Had to search her name in google, in facebook, and everything else in between; just to get updates from her. Thankfully i discovered that she created a new blog, and she was updating it frequently.

I was... rather happy to still be updated with what's happening to her; heck i even endured how she still post stuff that she have learned or read somewhere (and it was the opposite when we're still okay). All in all, it's as if we didn't "broke up" (for the lack of a better term).

But then, one day the blog just disappeared. I got worried, so i checked her facebook page. Yep, she's still there. And then i saw that she became friends with one of her exes.

Ouch.

I hate exes. My ex-wife, when we were just boyfriend and girlfriend and we were just starting out, she was making it obvious that she still loves her ex and i didn't confront her about it. My other ex, whom i was ready to leave my wife behind for,... she left me for an ex. And now, seeing her becoming friends with her ex again, ...i snapped.

I had to do it.

I blocked her.

It was an over-reaction, i know. But, it was kind of an impulse -- due to the trauma that exes brought a long time ago. Or maybe i was just using this alibi and i wanted to block her so that i could finally forget about her.

Did it help me in any way? NO. It made me miss her even more. :(

And i realized -- that i guess... i wasn't over her; at least not in a way that i thought i would be.

I still miss her. I miss our talks, i miss our banters, i miss her "teachings".. i miss her.

Until now i still don't understand why she had to let go of me; or maybe i just don't want to understand.

We had potential. But beyond that, we were great as friends. I think i never admitted it to her but she was my source of creative inspiration! Whenever i ran out of ideas i just talk to her, or just think of her (yes, actually) and boom. I instantly have an idea. The ideas kept pouring even more whenever i share it with her.

I miss you, Arthemis. Yes, Arthemis. the real Arthemis. My GF (Guardian Force). Adrian still longs for you. :(

If there's this slight chance that you'll be able to read this, then yeah, i hope deep down you still miss me too. I don't care about our feelings anymore (though it's a plus) ... i just.. i think...

I want you back.

I don't know when, or how, i just want you back. I feel so incomplete. Not to be overly dramatic again, but, that's just how i feel right now.

Give me a sign.

I remember you, but..

..i have to admit, Arthemis, i still miss you from time to time.
..however, just like your portrait, our story will never be complete; at least not anymore. 
..how could you let go of something that you yourself admitted had the potential to last? that, i wouldn't know.
..but yeah, i remember you; but i think i don't remember the feelings anymore.
<note. she didn't directly admitted that 'we' had the potential to last; i tend to exaggerate things.>

The burden.

I wanted to hate you. Seriously, i did. You left me and your son for a man whom you thought could love you way more than i've loved you. And, in some way, he did; and probably still do. And i don't have any problems with that.

But now that i am starting to become successful again; it pains me a lot that you're still struggling.

It's now 2:20am here; and all i could think about is you -- worrying if you've eaten dinner; or if you still eat three times a day. If he still treats you the way that he treated you years before: with unconditional love and unending affection. If you're still happy with the life you've chosen.

Now, i don't blame you. Again, everything that happened is still on me; and i still believe that you've made the right choice of choosing him over me. I don't want to rub it in your face that choosing "true love" over "practicality" is not really going well for you; because I still believe in the concept of "forever", and i'm still happy for you that you've found yours.

But, with a heavy heart, i still care for you deeply. It may not be "love" as we know it, but this is the right kind of feeling that would last for as long as we live. We have a son together; but beyond that, we've been there for each other for 13 or so years. And if that's not enough, i don't know what is.

So seeing you now being so desperate, so morose...i just want to let you know that i'm still here; and i'm doing the best i can to help you. It may not be too apparent, but my aching heart and tearful eyes beg to differ.

Cheer up, hold on tight, your skirmish is only temporary. A battle is lost, but there are still plenty to fight -- your burden is ours to carry. :)

:O

I have this crush. We talk every once in a while.

But just now, she was asking for some Photoshop tutorials. One on one sessions.

I'm willing, of course, even if it's free. :D

Trust me when i say that i didn't plan to give off a creepy vibe when i told her that we could do the tutorial sessions here in my house...

...But, she didn't even hesitate about saying "YES".

..tsk tsk. Chill, JC. Chiiiill.

Just a few more days, bald guy.

I woke up early to finish some tasks.

After going to the john, i saw my father, already awake as well.

I initiated some chit-chat; and saw that his eyes were teary.

.. :(

It's only just a few more days before he leaves for Italy again. Can't blame him for crying. For the record, i've never seen him cry.

Until now.

The Ronin

..it all happened so fast.
..i saw a facebook post from a former boss. he was looking for a potential instructor for game development subjects in his school. curious, i asked him about it; and just for the heck of it, i volunteered to apply. because YOLO.
..the head of the IT department of his school called me after just half an hour, and he wanted me to come by the school immediately.
..so the next day, i came. there were two applicants before me, already answering the standard questionnaire. i, on the other hand, scolded myself for not bringing a pen in an interview (doh!) so i had to borrow one from the HR herself. the questionnaire was composed of standard stuff -- info sheet, essay type questions, a personality exam. i got INFP, like always.. hah, i remembered her.

..strangely, even though i was the one who arrived last, i was the one to finish first.

..the HR then instructed me and the other applicants to wait. then, one by one, she called us and asked us to go to specific rooms for a teaching demo. i was a natural, of course (haha). so much for being an introvert. i nailed the teaching demo; and the panel of instructors were impressed (i think).

..i returned to the waiting room, and the other two applicants were already there. we were all done with our demos; and then, the HR showed up and called me first, yet again. the other applicants looked puzzled, but i ignored them and followed the HR.

..apparently, i was about to sign the contract.

..the HR told me that my presentation was approved by the panel of instructors, and i'm now officially hired. she showed me the contract; but then hesitated and asked if, aside from wednesdays, will i be available on saturdays too, for "specialists" class (professionals who just want to learn developing games because why not). thanks to me being impulsive i said "yes", so she had to edit the contract first and now my salary/rate per day got doubled in a snap.

..finally, i returned to the IT department head so that he could orient me. after the orientation, he introduced me to the dean. we shook hands, and he said, "FINALLY! A game development instructor!". :)

***********************

..it's been one Wednesday and one Saturday of me teaching already; and so far, so good.

..oh, and i posted about this in facebook; and it garnered almost a hundred likes! that's a new record. they were congratulating me. they got inspired by me. they were happy for me.

..but for me? i feel that this victory is still... empty.

..why? probably because i'm like a ronin -- a samurai without a master. yes, hooray i have a new job; but, i did it just for the heck of it. i never needed this in the first place -- i have a lot of freelance jobs to finish. it's just that... i still have no purpose of doing all these. why not give job opportunities to those who need them -- like my ex-wife, for example. or other people who struggle to find jobs and yet can't seem to get lucky. they needed these opportunities more; don't cheer for me, don't congratulate me. -_-

.. just last night, a representative from the ANC (ABS CBN News Channel) called me and asked me for a televised interview re: pinoy-made apps; because apparently, the school where i work referred them to me and told them that i was an "app expert".

..i rejected it.

..because, hey, like i said, i don't deserve all these.

..someday, perhaps, when i have a reason to be what i am today. that day when i have someone to dedicate all these to; then okay.

..but for now, i'm just a ronin. minding my own business.

************************

PS. ..happy to say that i'm almost over her; but that's for another post. :)

The Vow

I find it sweet that, just now, my bestfriend (edit: she prefers "dear friend"), Candy, is reciting her wedding vows for her soon-to-be-hubby, to me. I mean, i never took it seriously (for my benefit) that Candy and I are this close. I mean, this is CANDY. she's a guy hater, and i see her as someone who wouldn't be friends with people not on "her level." Candy is quite possibly the prettiest close friend i ever have. i mean, she looks like a celebrity. no,seriously. people look at us (rather, at her) whenever we hang out together.

But anyway, yeah, right now, Candy is revealing who she really is (all positive,of course), through her wedding vow. And i'm the very first, proud individual who got the chance to read and know about it; aside from herself, and soon, her hubby-to-be.

I'm happy for you Candy, and yeah, i'm even happier for Chino. All in all, you deserve one another; and looking forward to seeing you at the wedding (by December)

(yeah, i'm a bit jealous too. but hey.)

Woops, I forgot.

Woke up early.
Grabbed my phone to browse through facebook.
Saw an article about a new RPG Maker called "RPG Maker MV".
Wide eyed, completely awake.
Wanted to inform her about it.
Wanted to tell her that finally, a new engine to realize our dreams again.
Hesitated, and sighed.

"Woops, i forgot, she's gone."

Held back tears.
Went back to sleep.

AS, anyone?

..so yesterday, AJ was evaluated by a Child Psychologist. "Tita Doctor", as she wanted to be called, commended AJ's intelligence; comparing his intellect to that of a high school student or even greater (considering that AJ is only 8 years old). moreover, she was speechless about AJ's ability to read and speak english like how a real American would have; and even requested that they instead converse in tagalog because the Doctor couldn't keep up. overall, Tita Doc was greatly fascinated and impressed.
..but, amidst all these, AJ was diagnosed with Asperger Syndrome. It's similar to that of High Functioning Autism; but far more improved. people with AS have some weird/eccentric behaviours and delays in physical development (delay in learning how to walk,etc). they have difficulty with social skills (lack of eye contact, missing social cues, having a hard time maintaining a relationship,etc) and consistent frustration about the smallest of details (changes in schedule, dislikes being corrected,etc). BUT, along with these disadvantages, they are highly intelligent and infinitely talented as compared to the majority. in fact, they will live a full, normal life without needing special attention /care as they grow up.
..and it's been proven. how would i know? well, there's this certain someone who was diagnosed with the same condition. for him, everything that was happening to AJ was like Déjà vu.
..surprise, surprise! my name is JC, 31 years old, and so far i'm living a normal life ( ... i think). :)

What's eating you?

Very few people know about this. Or maybe just one or two people, or even less.

I never really liked talking about it; because i don't want anyone to pity me or anything.

But just recently my father noticed something about me; about how i move, how i breathe. Rather, how i couldn't breathe.

And that's when i remembered that i have Polyneuropathy / Peripheral Neuropathy. And it's progressive. Progressing even further until now.

And i'm scared.

The purpose of this blog isn't only to let out frustrations; but to let out any other suppressed emotions and/or feelings.

So there. I have a disease that is slowly but consistently eating me away. And i'm scared.

Maybe this is the reason why i'm so clingy and needy. But hey, nobody cares, right?

Right?

Happy Birthday, Siopao!

..Happy 31st Birthday to my ex-wife, Len!
..i've said this a million times before and i'm not gonna stop saying it anytime soon: i'm sorry for all the pain i've caused. despite your unconditional love, your unwavering patience, your unfaltering affection ...i failed you; and ultimately, i failed us.
..to say that i deeply regret everything that i've done is an understatement. i haven't forgiven myself; and i probably never will. now, seeing photographs of you and your genuine smile makes me sad and happy at the same time. sad, because i blame myself for not being the one to raise you up when you needed me most; and happy because you've finally found the one who will do it for you forever.
..i'm taking care of our son the way you wanted me to. he has grown to be a highly intelligent and very affectionate young man. like always, you are welcome to come visit as often as you like -- to provide and share wisdom; to share your achievements and sentiments. and despite all the negative criticism, my parents maintained an open mind and they have been trying their very best to protect you. me,our son, and my parents will always love you and don't ever doubt that.
..to the naysayers, i say this unto you: hurt her and i will hurt you ten times over. all that has happened is on me; don't blame her for my mistakes. don't blame her for being a human being who was unjustly left alone in the dark by the one who was supposed to light the way. don't blame her for finding happiness which was selfishly taken away from her by that one man who should have cherished her forever. you don't know her as much as i've known her all my life; so don't you dare judge her for taking the happier path that she deserves.
..again, happy birthday, Siopao! i will always cherish what we had (and what we currently have); and you will forever have a special place in my heart. our "game" may be over -- you already have your new "player 1", and someday... yeah, maybe i will have a new "player 2"; but our "co-op mode"? it's forever. :)

I hate myself.

I hate myself. Well, okay, i've been hating myself since forever, but this time i really, really hate myself.

Three big projects. Deadline? Tomorrow. Progress? Nada.

Another huge project. Deadline? A week ago. Progress? 10%.

Seriously JC, what's happening? You've never gone so low like this before! What will you say to them?! Can you even return the downpayment they've all paid?

Yeah, I have a reason to really, really hate myself now. But not because i'm lazy (probably the laziest person in the world); but because i let my emotions affect all these. No, i don't blame that girl, seriously. I blame myself for getting too emotional to the point that i don't want to do anything anymore.

And yes, it's still her. "N". That other girl who i thought i was falling for? It was a mistake. It's still "N".

*sigh.

I hate myself. Well, okay, i've been hating myself since forever, but this time i really, really hate myself.

Tricky, confusing, dangerous.

The problem with being in the process of moving on from a girl while at the same time seemingly falling for another girl is that either:

a) You're really falling for the new girl, or
b) Your subconscious is just forcing you to fall for the new girl to speed up the process of forgetting about the previous girl.

It's tricky. It's confusing. It's dangerous.

But i want to choose 'a'. :/

Bench Press!

One of the items in my most wanted list came true: I am about to have an actual bench press (a bench for use in dumbbell workouts and situps), courtesy of my father.

Back then, i used to think that i wanted to buff my body up so that i could get revenge on the girls who rejected me before (something like, "ha-ha! feast your eyes on this, losers!"), but now i realize that it was a pretty lame reason / motivation. Now, i think i will resume working out to feel good about myself. It's some kind of investment and you need to provide a whole lotta effort to see the fruits of it; and believe me, it would be all worth it. ;)

On a different note, I still miss her. Don't get me wrong, though, i DO miss her, but i will never forget what she did to me; to "us".

*sigh.

Looks like i'll be mentioning her in every single blog post here -- up until i get over her (which would take, what, a couple of years?)

Whispering Heart

I was supposed to shut this blog down for good. That particular girl who triggered me to start all these just cut me out of her life; therefore rendering this blog useless (she was the only reader, after all).

But no, i won't sulk around feeling sorry for myself AND for her. I will continue this blog because i consider this some kind of "therapy" so that i won't go lashing out to my son or to anyone i hold dear (TAKE NOTE: NO, of course i don't hurt them. i just tend to say mean stuff. but i never hurt them physically, hah, as if that makes a difference).

So yeah, let's just start again. Start fresh. No holds barred. No filters ('cept for certain names). Nobody's reading this, after all.

This is me. My name is JC. I'm a 31 year old straight guy who's fond of the creatives: graphics, animation, game development, writing novels, theatrical arts, and whatnot. I also work out. I also love cooking. I never really liked acting mature, because it's boring.

I had a wife, Len, but due to me being an arrogant prick who believed that i can do anything, i dared myself to have another relationship with a girl, "S"; and I eventually lost both Len and "S". I've learned my lesson, but it was too late. I now live my 8 year old son, AJ (who's like, the weirdest/most eccentric but most intelligent human that i know, woops, he says he's an Andromedan), and my parents. Quite a loser, huh?

Not quite, actually. I live with the coolest people i know; and we treat each other more like best friends rather than units in a familial hierarchy. We love to show affection and we are never, ever ashamed of it. 

Moreover, i started this blog because of a close friend, "N". We were friends for almost 9 years now. She lives 7106 (?) islands away from me, but it never stopped us from being friends. At first, we just talk about games and drawing and other non-personal stuff; but as we grew older we tend to talk about our innermost desires and sentiments. I kinda took her for granted most of the time; even if she never got tired of saving me; never got tired of keeping me in check; never got tired of always being there for me even if i tend to say hurtful things to her (like what i said in the very first post of this blog). I find it sweet that all this time, she considered my success and achievements to be her own, too. Moreover, she remembered the simplest of things -- from the exact date that we met each other online, down to how i'm very fond of saying "awesome" all the time. Awesome.

Just recently, she admitted that she has feelings for me. One thing led to another, and the whole ordeal got her thinking of possible implications of a potential relationship between us. She got scared; because of a number of reasonable factors. I won't go into detail; but in the end, she decided to let me go. 

She abandoned me.

I got hurt; really bad. First, because i never thought a fellow human being could just throw away an almost 9 year old relationship in a snap. It's like the coldest of the coldest. Second, i thought she was being unfair -- as she never even asked if i'm fine with it. It's like she shoved the decision down my throat and she didn't allow me to spit it out. And third, ... I LOVE HER. Yes, just when i thought that... finally, i could have a relationship with my dream girl (i'm not even exaggerating); just when i thought that i won't need to bury my feelings for her anymore because apparently we both have feelings for each other,...

She kicked me out of her life.

I cried. A lot. The day after the drama, i cried the whole day. I can't even hide it from anyone as my eyes were all red. It's like half of me died. I was imagining a kid who lost his favorite toy -- it may not sound as deep but for a kid? It's everything. 

You think it hurts when a girl you had a relationship with dumped you? Think again -- it actually hurts a whole lot more when you almost had a relationship with a girl you love and she loves you back; but it didn't happen. And it could never happen. Ever.

I mailed her about my lament. I called her unfair. And a coward. Life is all about taking risks; but she played it safe. For the record, this time, i didn't regret what i said. I didn't regret calling her a coward.

Usually, i thought i just go out of the house just for the heck of it. I love walking around within my city. I love seeing beautiful places over and over. But then when all these happened, i tend to do the same but on a higher level: I went to Manila; even formulating an elaborate excuse for my parents to do so. Moreover, when i went to Manila i decided to ask out two people for a date -- nope, not at the same time of course. I asked one during lunch, and the other during dinner. And that night? instead of going home, i decided to linger around and walk under the rain. I walked aimlessly in four different malls: inside, outside and then in again. My feet and my whole body ached like i was going to faint. I didn't leave until it was almost midnight.

It's when i was heading home when i realized: my mind and body automatically did some kind of coping mechanism for me just so i could forget what happened. It wasn't my plan after all; i thought i just wanted to go to Manila just because. But as soon as i was on my way home, as soon as my mind isn't focused on the malls or with my dates, i started thinking about her again.

And i started crying again.

It's hard, and i'm not even sure if i'd forget about you that easily; but i tend to NOT forget about a girl for at least a couple of years. How about you? Will you forget about me just as quick as you threw away our 9 years?

I'd hate to say this, but if she comes back? There's a huge chance that i will accept her back -- even after all that has happened. There's also chance that she'll hurt me again; but hey, at least i took the risk, right?

When i was being all emo yesterday and i was browsing aimlessly on facebook, something caught my eye. I'm sure it was mere coincidence, but my heart tells me that it wasn't:

If you're still reading my blog, that certain statement above nailed what i wanted to tell you.

I love you. I still love you. I don't know for how long, maybe forever, but really.

...I'd like to go outside now. :(

The Walking Idea Generator

..since my "walking idea generator" AKA "the love of my life" (an exaggeration to the point of being sarcastic, hehe) is still missing in action, i can't seem to come up with a very unique and fun game idea. 
..the prize for the contest is literally growing by the minute; and it will continue growing until two days from now. the deadline for game submissions? in less than a month.
..c'mon JC! think!!

..i may have sounded insensitive because it seemed like i'm waiting for her just so that we'd brainstorm new ideas, but seriously. I'm over "it", the excitement and/or emotional drama died down, and i'm totally a rational and mature person now so while i'm being patient, i'm eagerly waiting and ready for whatever you're going to say. :)

H and P

Two more girls - "H" and "P"

"H"

Was a classmate in high school.
We were pretty close back then.
Left for Manila after graduating.
Had the chance to talk again around 2010 (?)
Admitted that she liked me before.
Invited me to do something... naughty a couple of years back.
Kept bugging me about it until now.
Asked if she could be my girlfriend just recently (which i rejected promptly).
SRSLY?

"P"

Was a classmate in high school.
We weren't close at all back then.
Left for Cavite after graduating.
Had the chance to talk again this year.
Admitted that she liked me before.
Proposed that if i do a drawing of her, we'd do something ...naughty.
Kept bugging me about it until now.
Asked if she could be my bestfriend ...with benefits (which i rejected promptly).
SRSLY?

And now i ask, ..no, SRSLY. WTF? O_o

Q and M

Two girls: "Q" and "M"

"Q"

Been friends for... 3 years.
Used to go to the school where i was a professor.
Sister of a close friend.
Not really that close until about a year ago.
Treats me like a mentor.
Chats / texts whenever she got the chance.
Been wanting to bake for a looong time.
Got inspired to actually bake about a year ago because of me.
Has been talking to me about falling out of love with his hubby.
Has been asking me out (yes, seriously) for quite some time now.
Has been drunk texting / messaging me and asking me about true love just recently.
Something's a little off.

"M"

[UPDATE] Had to remove this one. Because why not.


So I ask now: .... SRSLY?

Well, this is a blog where i post about stuff like these, after all. Just a change of phase after a bombardment of... nevermind.

My Muse.

I've been trying to deny it, but okay, here it goes:

I realized that I really, really need a muse for me to function properly. No excuses. It's just the way it is. This is me. And i accept it.

But then just when i thought that i've found my muse, she chose to disappear again. The irony.

And this time i'm worried that she'll dissappear.. forever..

I'm losing all hope.

Next week, i will be doing something that will confirm that i've returned to the dark side; and would probably help me move on. I'll probably regret it, but with this emptiness  i feel now? I think it would be worth it.

And if that day comes, and there's still no sign from her.. I will be the one to stop. And i will be the one to block any communications with her.

I'm sorry.

Majin Vegeta

Majin Vegeta. Enough said.

But, to elaborate, in the Majin Buu saga Vegeta got possessed(?) or controlled (?) by this evil wizard named Babidi. This resulted in Vegeta returning to the dark side; with his suppressed grandeur and negative desires resurfacing.

Since i've been comparing my life to Vegeta's, then okay, at this point, i'm like Majin Vegeta. But my trigger wasn't a possession or anything like that.

It's because again, i'm starting to feel like being good isn't worth it -- especially now when someone i care for dearly has apparently abandoned me.

Okay, actually this post is indeed about her, with the Majin Vegeta as only an intro.

Seriously.. why? Why remain cold when it was one of the triggers that started all these?

Will you really return? Or will i be just some chapter in your life and you've moved on?

Are you really okay with letting me go?

Still so many questions in my head; but one thing is for certain: i'm not gonna move on from this. I'm not gonna give up on you. I won't be just some chapter in your life. I won't let that 9 years go to waste.

Would you?

Majin Vegeta is starting to take over. Not a threat; but just FYI.

I miss you. :(

404: Inspiration not found.

Yep, that's my name. And that's a new job. Because i'm inspired again.

But the thing is, ..i'm starting to fall back again; especially when the one who inspired me is nowhere to be found.. :(

What Might Have Been.

What might have been.

I dunno why i relate to this song so much. It's not even the same as "our" case per se. But i guess... kinda?

But, with this song, I remember all those times that she did stuff that she wouldn't normally do/show other guys. I remember this certain time that i posted something about what i like the most about a girl is being down to earth; then after a day or so she tried her very best to be down to earth through the way she talks (i noticed this. if you're reading this, just correct me if i'm wrong).

Anyway, I was pretty much oblivious all those years. And in one way or another, i guess she was, too... but more like, she was denying that certain feeling. I don't know. Honestly. I don't know.

But yeah, i love this song. It's just me, but in my mind i just want the situation in that song to be what me and her are in right now.

If only she'd come back and let her presence felt :(

I miss her. Candy said to not text or message her frequently as this would make me kinda like a stalker; so okay i won't. Besides, i don't even know if she reads all these.

*Sigh. I miss you. So bad.

If only I'd known sooner. I should've done something. I believe "we" can be possible. But.. i don't know.

What might have been.

Chunk by chunk.

I miss you.

You don't need to pull away from me. We can solve this together. I don't give a damn anymore if you'll be cold or whatever. We can take it step by step.

Chunk by chunk.

I'll be here for you. Bring down your walls and i promise you that i will never, ever leave.

Just...don't leave me hanging.

Now i can't function without you. We started this; and i definitely don't want this to end negatively. I want this to just go on and on; but with me and you. Together.

But if you want some space, okay. I'll give you time to think. But please get back home soon.

I miss you. And yes, i love you.

..The door is open. 

"Foundation"

So you told me you have feelings for me, and you expected that nothing will change afterwards? That at least it's out? Do you know how stupid it is? What was the purpose of the revelation in the first place?

Oh wait I know. So that you would feel better afterwards, right? So that you'd feel "liberated" and you'll have nothing to keep thinking about regarding that matter, right?

Fun fact: admitting that you have feelings for someone means there's actually a living,breathing entity that you admitted your feelings to, and that entity might have something to say or feel too.

..You didn't know that? ...Really? So what's important for you is that you're good to go; and you'll leave the other to rot?

And that's not even the only issue. What's up with you and pretending to be a robot or an ice queen from time to time? Or was I talking to different clones of you? Yeah maybe that's it. That should explain why you're fun and sweet at one second, and a cold-hearted cybernetic organism in another -- and none of your clones don't even know what the other was doing. Tsk.

You've lost lot of close friends before -- and i used to be puzzled about it. But now? After all these? I think i know why.

I didn't want to lose you. You're very, very, very important to me. And after your charade a couple of days ago? I might actually have realized that I LOVE YOU. But you lack consistency. You lack empathy.

And it hurts me.

But for the benefit of us both, I think it's best that we stop. After 9 years, who knew a revelation (who had a positive facade) will be the one who breaks us apart?

No, i think unlike our previous "falling apart" sessions, this one's permanent. And i'd really, really hate myself if we're ever gonna talk again. So if ever you're reading this, i suggest you block me off in every single possible communication pathways.

Because i can't do it. I wanted to do it. Really badly. But I can't.

Funny, I thought I could finally confirm that I broke free from my-ex wife's cage. That I was ready to really love someone again without looking back. I WAS so sure. Because nothing could beat 9 years of "foundation".

Woops, yes there is.

PS. Finally, after that one mushy and very stupid post yesterday, this blog's main and true purpose is finally reinstated: It's where i pour out my frustrations; and so far, "Us" was the worst frustration i've encountered.

The Block Button

I wanted to click the "block" button.

But no, since, according to her, "my achievements are her achievements" too, there's no use blocking her.

I want her to see.

Instead of sulking, I WILL make it on top again. I will do everything in my power to achieve "our" dreams.

So that in this small chance that she'd take a look at my profile, she'll see that i am successful -- not for myself, but for "us".

But she'll never, ever hear from me.

I wanted to click the "block" button.

Sonic the Hedgehog

Well, that was quick.



.....and it's not worth it.

K.

Good job "accepting it and facing it" so far. Haha, sarcasm.

I should really call you ninja from now on. Because you're good at disappearing.

Or probably "game master", considering i'm still trapped in your game.

Sheesh. Sooo after all that hullabaloo, you're just going to leave me hanging after all -_-

I was willing to accept it and be normal. But you, on the other hand... ugh.

A double-edged sword, this stupid feeling is.

On one side, it did bring the spark. On the other, it brought along paranoia. And with that paranoia, it brought along fear.

And with that fear, it brought along "i don't want to function until i know what's really going on."

So much for the spark.

Tsk, all these drama; and yet the only thing i really wanted to say is...

Where are you? ....I miss you.

But, K.

You won't be finding me anytime soon. Yeah, i'll be the ninja.

Cutting onions.

A dam.

Her name is "N" (for privacy purposes).

Way back in November 2006 we met online through...err, Gaia Online. I don't like MMOs. At all. But GO's a bit different in a way that it's not 3d, and the characters looked more like little cute "sprites" so i didn't have a hard time adapting to it (i love anything retro when it comes to gaming). So i tried it.

And we became friends.

I introduced myself as "Adrian" (after Adrian Farenheit Tepes aka Alucard from the Castlevania series) and she introduced herself as Arthemis. Couldn't remember more details, but after that initial meeting i kinda stopped playing GO. Hey, at least i made one friend, right?

I frequented her Friendster page (lol, Friendster) and saw that she got injured or something. I immediately asked why; and she told me that it was due to some taekwondo mishap. But after that conversation, we communicated a bit more.

I told her about my game development career, and coincidentally, she was into games and drawing manga/anime as well. We became closer because we tried (and a lot of times failed) to start game-related projects together. But somehow, even though not a single project ever came through, we kept holding on to our friendship.

Yeah, i did find her attractive back then; but our age gap (it was more apparent that time, hehe) and the fact that i was still married kinda held me back. So i instead looked at her as a little sister; and i think she did the same. So we're good.

Yup, we're good.

Time passed. We still communicated; though there were times that we had this thing called "falling out" wherein we didn't communicate for weeks or months. I guess since we're both introverts (semi?) we needed some "me" time every now and then.

But hey, at least we're still hanging on, right?

We never really did consider meeting up. We were fine with just being online friends; online co-game developers. But deep within me, somehow I actually wanted to meet her. I mean, aside from Lohne (my ex-bestfriend/brother), she stuck around even if she didn't have a lot of reasons to do so.

But, nah, we'll never have that rare chance to meet. She's miles away; or as she put it, 7106 islands away. Nope,there's no chance.

No chance at all.

AAaaaaand we got the chance to meet. She was in Manila for a day or two, and i had some business to take care of in Manila as well.

I was kinda confident. I was wearing my all-time favorite black shirt. I was a lot fatter back then, but, hey, it's Arthemis. It's not like i'm going to meet some celebrity right? She's just this close friend and this is just a freak opportunity so i might as well take the chance, right? She's like a little sister to me, and i'm gonna treat her as such when we finally meet, right?

Yep, had to convince myself a lot of things.

I knocked. She opened. I gasped (mentally, at least). She's TALL. She's got a good fashion sense. She's got a deeper voice than i expected. She's .. she's..

She's.. beautiful.

We talked. I didn't know if she noticed it, but i was staring at her the whole time. Trust me, i don't usually look at people's eyes when i talk (i'm that kind of asshole. kidding. i'd like to think of myself as the most shy and awkward guy in the world), but i was gazing at her. I remember sitting in an awkward pose back then because i didn't want her seeing my fat belly, hehe. And overall, i just didn't want to look bad in front of her.  I mean, i mean, ..wow.

And suddenly, i find her attractive again. But then i slapped myself (mentally, again) and told myself hey, you've just been in a separation AND a breakup. And she's your "little sister". Pull yourself together.

Snap out of it.

After that meeting, i kinda expected that she'll stop communicating with me. I mean, it did happen once or twice before. I meet someone, we talk awkwardly, and never communicate afterwards. But, i guess she was considering our friendship tenure. I considered it. And she's attractive. Wait, what?

I also treasure this certain time that there was this very strong typhoon here in my area, and she called me. I remember her telling me that she doesn't like answering calls. And yet she called me to check if i was okay. And i heard her voice again. And i remembered how attractive she is. Tsk, there it goes again.

Ever since then, i started to hide the fact that i'm feeling something different towards her by, guess what, starting fights with her. I mean, whenever there's a chance, i would start noticing something about her or about what we were talking about and just start look for faults in it so that we could fight. I kept looking at her pictures and reminded myself how she can sometimes be arrogant and a snob and all kinds of negative stuff that i could think of. Just so that i could convince myself to stop being attracted to her. It's stupid i know. And she's attractive. Argh.

And the funny thing is -- this "hiding my true feelings by starting fights" thing? I didn't realize it until recently.

It started pretty normal last Tuesday, my birthday. She greeted me, and i wasn't even paying attention because i was waiting for Candy to greet me. But that night i said, okay, i'll reply. And i'll say something hateful again and i thought hey maybe i should notice that she has changed a lot and all that. So i told her that. I was kinda getting used to talking negatively to her.

And i'm still regretting it as of the time of writing.

She replied the day after. The conversation started fine. I was in the mood so i didn't pick a fight. In fact i was too in the mood that i acknowledged that with what we have (9 years of friendship)? It could be a very strong basis for a relationship. Never even thought that we'd expound on that thought. But she agreed. And i think we were into something with that conversation; so i was quick to dismiss it. I had to convince myself that nope, no way. I told her that for a relationship to work, we should have feelings for each other. And I SWEAR, back then I was VERY convinced that she doesn't have any feelings for me. Nope, not at all. Zero. Nada.

But i was wrong.

And suddenly, my brain flatlined. And right now, that moment is coming back to me, to the point that i'm literally shaking right now and i have to take a break for a while. Excuse me.

<After ten minutes>

Okay. I'm back. Soooo it was very surprising. It was coming from HER -- she's prideful. She was never open to me romantically And even though she told me that it was like.. a river or something (Yeah, a calm running water to be specific), it's out there. It's done.

She realized, and admitted that she has feelings for me. :O

Until now i don't want to believe it. She tends to experiment on other people; maybe that's it. Maybe she was testing something out and i was her guinea pig.

But, no,... okay, honestly? I WANT to believe it.

After that revelation, i couldn't sleep. AJ was sick, so that's another reason to not sleep. But the truth is, it was because of her. I couldn't function properly that night. I needed to jumpstart my brain again. Quick! What could jumpstart my brain?!

Ironically, it's her.

She was there for me. ALWAYS. I didn't want to notice. I took her for granted. But whenever i was in my lows? BAM. She's there. In fact, it was very RARE that i initiate conversations with her. It was almost always her. And she genuinely cared about me. She was also trying to instill values in me; and even though i didn't like it when she was sharing her random, rather detailed and informative thoughts? I actually regret it now. I realized that she trust me enough to share all those things (which she rarely does to anyone) and i was too stupid to notice it. She was comfortable enough to share her innermost thoughts and feelings to me and i was being a jerk.

I'm...sorry. :(

I'm now gonna refer directly to you; because in a moment, i'm gonna message you in Viber and i will give you a hint that i wrote a new blog post so that you could read this rather lengthy post dedicated to you.

<cue Jason Chen - Best Friend music>

After realizing all these, I,.. honestly don't know if it's just a spur of the moment, or i'm just being opportunistic, or i'm just feeling guilty..

...but,.. there's nothing holding me back right now. We used to be brother-sister; i thought i was "kuyazoned" for life. But that barrier is broken now; now that the revelation is out. So there's nothing to hold me back (well,aside from the other issues you were considering).

But anyway, "N", I have feelings for you too.

But i don't want to impose anything. It's up to you. We could just go back to normal. We could just consider this a thing of the past and it's something that we'll laugh at in the days to come.

But, know this: there's something within me now that wants me to change. I don't want to fail you; whether you like it or not. I actually want to be good at what i'm doing again. I actually want to turn my life around. I thought it was Candy who would give me this spark (no offense to my bespren/ate/whatever), but it was you all along.

So yeah, please don't message me back today telling me that you made a mistake and you don't have feelings for me. At least not yet. That would suck. hehe.

Seriously though. You acknowledged that you have feelings for me. And it was a calm, running water.

Me? I acknowledge it as well. And it's a dam.

A dam that's about to overflow.

The MLM BS

..i'm both feeling guilty and satisfied at the same time.
..a former student of mine suddenly initiated a chat with me on facebook (which she never did before; not once)
..she started with, "hi sir!"
..and my almost instant reply? "mag-aalok ka ng networking noh."
..then she answered, "hindi naman.." (which probably means she was surprised that  i already know, and she's hesitating if she would continue).
..then she asked, "bakit parang parang defensive ka re: networking?"
..and since i wasn't in a good mood right now, i told her the cold, hard, truth.
..that the whole networking thing is a scam which targets stupid / desperate / gullible people.
..and that my family has money so i don't need to rely on such an elaborate scam.

..i feel guilty.but at the same time, i feel satisfied.

..she's replying right now. don't wanna read it....yet. -_-

[UPDATE]: ..she didn't get offended; but UNsurprisingly she found a way to stir the conversation to "bioflavonoids" which led to something about her mom having breast cancer, and will definitely be about a product which contains bioflavonoids which in turn can cure cancer.

..WOW. just.. wow.

[UDPATE2]: ..aaand she's still at it. even if i just seenzone her. -_-

[UPDATE3]: ..yup,she's selling a product. and because i felt guilty earlier, i won't be an asshole to her and instead i replied with this:

..as much as i want to lash out on you because technically this is still networking because you are offering a product which still came from some kind of networking, i respect you as my former student. i liked your attitude before nung nasa school tayo, and you're one of the unique ones, so yeah, i respect you. so i will just promptly and respectfully reject your future offers of that product. smile emoticon
..and by the way,yeah, factual naman yung sinabi mo about bioflavonoids. i'm just not into that talaga. wink emoticon

..so there you go. i hope that's the end of it.

The "Po" and "Opo" Dilemma.

..This has gone too far enough.

..got scolded by my mother because i don't enforce my son to use 'po' and 'opo' even if it's a recent topic in school.
..see? demanding respect. it's just an ego booster so that the elderly / someone in position could feel more important. but it's not about a dumb Philippine tradition. there are many, many ways to show respect but simpletons are just too stuck in the past. kung pipilitin mo ang isang tao na mangopo sayo, i'd suggest na mas piliin pa nyang wag ka nang igalang.
..besides, pag hindi gumamit ng 'po' at 'opo' bastos na ba agad? well..my sweet, lovable, and intelligent son objects.

A Rant Against Homophobes.

..and now nauuso na din sa Pilipinas ang pagra-rally against gay people.
..i'm not gay at all. pero may mga kaibigan akong bakla. i have a cousin or two na gay din. and i ask you now, who the fuck cares?
..sa bawat salitang binibitawan nyo at sa bawat kilos na ginagawa nyo laban sa mga bakla, na sinasabi nyong "hindi gusto" ng diyos nyo.. weh? marunong pa kayo sa diyos nyo ngayon? may sinasaad ba sa bibliya nyo na "kasuklaman nyo ang mga bakla!"? kung meron man, di pa ba kayonagdududa dyan sa diyos nyo? as far as i know your god wants you to spread love and peace; and yet makikita ko sa balita eh mga epal na may karatula na napapaos sa pag-tuligsa sa mga bakla; and habang umeepal kayo sa tv at sa dyaryo, ayun yung mga kinukutsa nyo, nagtatrabaho para may ipakain sa mga mahal nila sa buhay.
..ang daming problema sa mundo. pagnanakaw. panggagahasa. pagpatay. and yet you people seem to think that mas importante na mapuksa ang mga bakla sa mundo.
..tingin muna kayo sa salamin. akala nyo kung sino kayong mga perpekto. kayong mga "tunay na lalake" na diring diri na makakita ng bakla; pero mas lalake pa yung ibang bakla kesa sa inyo. yung mga babae na ayaw ng bakla not because yun daw yung sabi ng religion nila, but because nasasapawan sila and they grow insecure. c'mon. pare-pareho tayong mga TAO. umuupa lang tayo ng oras dito sa napakalaking apartment that we call earth. can't we all just get along while we're still here?
..we humans are naturally afraid of what we can't understand; but we are equipped with a superior intellect to go and try to understand everything...and if until now,kayong mga makikitid ang utak e hindi pa din maintindihan ang konsepto ng pagiging bakla o tomboy,...
..time to go back to your cave, monkeys.

Of Vegeta and Pitfalls

I don't get it. At all.

I'm doing my best. And i mean my BEST. but why isn't it good enough? :(

And that's not just saying something. I'm not some amateur artist or animator. Not saying that i'm so sure of myself but I know i am capable of producing great art and animation; and a lot of people know that.

But, is it by fate that none of them want me? It's as if like i'm destined to NOT land a job even if my portfolio is solid and my skills above average. I've applied to not one but more than five jobs just this month. NONE of them wanted me. BUT if you look at my competitors, they're not as good. Not as experienced. In fact, i've looked into what these employers have produced and i can see A LOT of technical and visual errors that i could have CORRECTED.

I don't get it. Seriously. :(

Is this karma? I don't believe in karma at all but seriously if there's a God up there? He's screwing with me. I'm totally confused.

I would've asked myself, "what would Candy say?", but no, she'll probably scold me after saying all these.and say "you're being overly dramatic again".

Now, i think i'd put myself in the situation of my other idol,. Vegeta. So it's "what would Vegeta do?"

....and i think Vegeta would get infuriated and go berserk. :/

.. BUT, he will train even harder afterwards. so that's that.

..whaddya know? right now i have a shoulder to cry to. guess who? my ex-wife.

..*sigh. i feel so helpless and useless... if this is karma.. if this is what i'm supposed to experience after all the evil things i've done in the past.. then okay, bring 'em on.

..but is it really bad to cry and feel self-pity.. ?

First Stress: "Expert Pixel Artist"

Okay. I created this blog to write about my frustrations. Apparently, typing out my frustrations (about someone, or something, etc) makes me keep my cool; and i never needed to lash it out to that certain someone (or something). So, i hope this experiment is a success. Here goes my first post.

I have this close friend, who tends to show no admiration for my works of art everytime i show 'em to her (and sometimes she's the one to ask me to see it). She usually just say "meh", or, "okay, good" whereas i always show her very high quality art (and i don't mean to brag, btw. i've been in the game development industry for over 8 years so i think i know what i'm talking about). I believe she's just frustrated -- she's a hobbyist anime/manga artist who draws portrait / full body characters from time to time; and yet her current work is some office / admin assistant or somethnig.

I was about to lash out on her recently for commenting yet again on something that i've put so much effort into; and, well, here's what i was supposed to tell her:

"..okay,i was just being nice kanina, pero here it goes. yeah, there's probably something wrong with how you look at things. quite possibly kahit yung pinaka-expert sa pixel art (which isn't me) will not see the image as pixel art. ever. so while you keep telling yourself that you're an "expert", most likely it's because your subconcsious just want you to think that you are. pero drawing anime portraits and full bodies from time to time won't make you an expert in game development art. ang pansin ko lang even before is you rarely praise any of my art; it's as if there's a trigger within you to be in "arrogant mode" to protect yourself from admitting that you yourself ain't no expert. so you pretend to be one and lash out when there's an opportunity so that you won't feel bad about your own talent.
..that's an honest analysis. and i think i've earned my spot naman to be like that."

So now that i've written it here, i hope it works and i won't need to argue with her.

Oh, and i won't share a link to this blog, ever. So if ever you get the chance to read this, then you're probably my future wife, my bestfriend/ate/whatever, or, i just trust you enough (congrats.).