But no, i won't sulk around feeling sorry for myself AND for her. I will continue this blog because i consider this some kind of "therapy" so that i won't go lashing out to my son or to anyone i hold dear (TAKE NOTE: NO, of course i don't hurt them. i just tend to say mean stuff. but i never hurt them physically, hah, as if that makes a difference).
So yeah, let's just start again. Start fresh. No holds barred. No filters ('cept for certain names). Nobody's reading this, after all.
This is me. My name is JC. I'm a 31 year old straight guy who's fond of the creatives: graphics, animation, game development, writing novels, theatrical arts, and whatnot. I also work out. I also love cooking. I never really liked acting mature, because it's boring.
I had a wife, Len, but due to me being an arrogant prick who believed that i can do anything, i dared myself to have another relationship with a girl, "S"; and I eventually lost both Len and "S". I've learned my lesson, but it was too late. I now live my 8 year old son, AJ (who's like, the weirdest/most eccentric but most intelligent human that i know, woops, he says he's an Andromedan), and my parents. Quite a loser, huh?
Not quite, actually. I live with the coolest people i know; and we treat each other more like best friends rather than units in a familial hierarchy. We love to show affection and we are never, ever ashamed of it.
Moreover, i started this blog because of a close friend, "N". We were friends for almost 9 years now. She lives 7106 (?) islands away from me, but it never stopped us from being friends. At first, we just talk about games and drawing and other non-personal stuff; but as we grew older we tend to talk about our innermost desires and sentiments. I kinda took her for granted most of the time; even if she never got tired of saving me; never got tired of keeping me in check; never got tired of always being there for me even if i tend to say hurtful things to her (like what i said in the very first post of this blog). I find it sweet that all this time, she considered my success and achievements to be her own, too. Moreover, she remembered the simplest of things -- from the exact date that we met each other online, down to how i'm very fond of saying "awesome" all the time. Awesome.
Just recently, she admitted that she has feelings for me. One thing led to another, and the whole ordeal got her thinking of possible implications of a potential relationship between us. She got scared; because of a number of reasonable factors. I won't go into detail; but in the end, she decided to let me go.
She abandoned me.
I got hurt; really bad. First, because i never thought a fellow human being could just throw away an almost 9 year old relationship in a snap. It's like the coldest of the coldest. Second, i thought she was being unfair -- as she never even asked if i'm fine with it. It's like she shoved the decision down my throat and she didn't allow me to spit it out. And third, ... I LOVE HER. Yes, just when i thought that... finally, i could have a relationship with my dream girl (i'm not even exaggerating); just when i thought that i won't need to bury my feelings for her anymore because apparently we both have feelings for each other,...
She kicked me out of her life.
I cried. A lot. The day after the drama, i cried the whole day. I can't even hide it from anyone as my eyes were all red. It's like half of me died. I was imagining a kid who lost his favorite toy -- it may not sound as deep but for a kid? It's everything.
You think it hurts when a girl you had a relationship with dumped you? Think again -- it actually hurts a whole lot more when you almost had a relationship with a girl you love and she loves you back; but it didn't happen. And it could never happen. Ever.
I mailed her about my lament. I called her unfair. And a coward. Life is all about taking risks; but she played it safe. For the record, this time, i didn't regret what i said. I didn't regret calling her a coward.
Usually, i thought i just go out of the house just for the heck of it. I love walking around within my city. I love seeing beautiful places over and over. But then when all these happened, i tend to do the same but on a higher level: I went to Manila; even formulating an elaborate excuse for my parents to do so. Moreover, when i went to Manila i decided to ask out two people for a date -- nope, not at the same time of course. I asked one during lunch, and the other during dinner. And that night? instead of going home, i decided to linger around and walk under the rain. I walked aimlessly in four different malls: inside, outside and then in again. My feet and my whole body ached like i was going to faint. I didn't leave until it was almost midnight.
It's when i was heading home when i realized: my mind and body automatically did some kind of coping mechanism for me just so i could forget what happened. It wasn't my plan after all; i thought i just wanted to go to Manila just because. But as soon as i was on my way home, as soon as my mind isn't focused on the malls or with my dates, i started thinking about her again.
And i started crying again.
It's hard, and i'm not even sure if i'd forget about you that easily; but i tend to NOT forget about a girl for at least a couple of years. How about you? Will you forget about me just as quick as you threw away our 9 years?
I'd hate to say this, but if she comes back? There's a huge chance that i will accept her back -- even after all that has happened. There's also chance that she'll hurt me again; but hey, at least i took the risk, right?
When i was being all emo yesterday and i was browsing aimlessly on facebook, something caught my eye. I'm sure it was mere coincidence, but my heart tells me that it wasn't:
If you're still reading my blog, that certain statement above nailed what i wanted to tell you.
I love you. I still love you. I don't know for how long, maybe forever, but really.
...I'd like to go outside now. :(
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