Chunk by chunk.

I miss you.

You don't need to pull away from me. We can solve this together. I don't give a damn anymore if you'll be cold or whatever. We can take it step by step.

Chunk by chunk.

I'll be here for you. Bring down your walls and i promise you that i will never, ever leave.

Just...don't leave me hanging.

Now i can't function without you. We started this; and i definitely don't want this to end negatively. I want this to just go on and on; but with me and you. Together.

But if you want some space, okay. I'll give you time to think. But please get back home soon.

I miss you. And yes, i love you.

..The door is open. 

"Foundation"

So you told me you have feelings for me, and you expected that nothing will change afterwards? That at least it's out? Do you know how stupid it is? What was the purpose of the revelation in the first place?

Oh wait I know. So that you would feel better afterwards, right? So that you'd feel "liberated" and you'll have nothing to keep thinking about regarding that matter, right?

Fun fact: admitting that you have feelings for someone means there's actually a living,breathing entity that you admitted your feelings to, and that entity might have something to say or feel too.

..You didn't know that? ...Really? So what's important for you is that you're good to go; and you'll leave the other to rot?

And that's not even the only issue. What's up with you and pretending to be a robot or an ice queen from time to time? Or was I talking to different clones of you? Yeah maybe that's it. That should explain why you're fun and sweet at one second, and a cold-hearted cybernetic organism in another -- and none of your clones don't even know what the other was doing. Tsk.

You've lost lot of close friends before -- and i used to be puzzled about it. But now? After all these? I think i know why.

I didn't want to lose you. You're very, very, very important to me. And after your charade a couple of days ago? I might actually have realized that I LOVE YOU. But you lack consistency. You lack empathy.

And it hurts me.

But for the benefit of us both, I think it's best that we stop. After 9 years, who knew a revelation (who had a positive facade) will be the one who breaks us apart?

No, i think unlike our previous "falling apart" sessions, this one's permanent. And i'd really, really hate myself if we're ever gonna talk again. So if ever you're reading this, i suggest you block me off in every single possible communication pathways.

Because i can't do it. I wanted to do it. Really badly. But I can't.

Funny, I thought I could finally confirm that I broke free from my-ex wife's cage. That I was ready to really love someone again without looking back. I WAS so sure. Because nothing could beat 9 years of "foundation".

Woops, yes there is.

PS. Finally, after that one mushy and very stupid post yesterday, this blog's main and true purpose is finally reinstated: It's where i pour out my frustrations; and so far, "Us" was the worst frustration i've encountered.

The Block Button

I wanted to click the "block" button.

But no, since, according to her, "my achievements are her achievements" too, there's no use blocking her.

I want her to see.

Instead of sulking, I WILL make it on top again. I will do everything in my power to achieve "our" dreams.

So that in this small chance that she'd take a look at my profile, she'll see that i am successful -- not for myself, but for "us".

But she'll never, ever hear from me.

I wanted to click the "block" button.

Sonic the Hedgehog

Well, that was quick.



.....and it's not worth it.

K.

Good job "accepting it and facing it" so far. Haha, sarcasm.

I should really call you ninja from now on. Because you're good at disappearing.

Or probably "game master", considering i'm still trapped in your game.

Sheesh. Sooo after all that hullabaloo, you're just going to leave me hanging after all -_-

I was willing to accept it and be normal. But you, on the other hand... ugh.

A double-edged sword, this stupid feeling is.

On one side, it did bring the spark. On the other, it brought along paranoia. And with that paranoia, it brought along fear.

And with that fear, it brought along "i don't want to function until i know what's really going on."

So much for the spark.

Tsk, all these drama; and yet the only thing i really wanted to say is...

Where are you? ....I miss you.

But, K.

You won't be finding me anytime soon. Yeah, i'll be the ninja.

Cutting onions.

A dam.

Her name is "N" (for privacy purposes).

Way back in November 2006 we met online through...err, Gaia Online. I don't like MMOs. At all. But GO's a bit different in a way that it's not 3d, and the characters looked more like little cute "sprites" so i didn't have a hard time adapting to it (i love anything retro when it comes to gaming). So i tried it.

And we became friends.

I introduced myself as "Adrian" (after Adrian Farenheit Tepes aka Alucard from the Castlevania series) and she introduced herself as Arthemis. Couldn't remember more details, but after that initial meeting i kinda stopped playing GO. Hey, at least i made one friend, right?

I frequented her Friendster page (lol, Friendster) and saw that she got injured or something. I immediately asked why; and she told me that it was due to some taekwondo mishap. But after that conversation, we communicated a bit more.

I told her about my game development career, and coincidentally, she was into games and drawing manga/anime as well. We became closer because we tried (and a lot of times failed) to start game-related projects together. But somehow, even though not a single project ever came through, we kept holding on to our friendship.

Yeah, i did find her attractive back then; but our age gap (it was more apparent that time, hehe) and the fact that i was still married kinda held me back. So i instead looked at her as a little sister; and i think she did the same. So we're good.

Yup, we're good.

Time passed. We still communicated; though there were times that we had this thing called "falling out" wherein we didn't communicate for weeks or months. I guess since we're both introverts (semi?) we needed some "me" time every now and then.

But hey, at least we're still hanging on, right?

We never really did consider meeting up. We were fine with just being online friends; online co-game developers. But deep within me, somehow I actually wanted to meet her. I mean, aside from Lohne (my ex-bestfriend/brother), she stuck around even if she didn't have a lot of reasons to do so.

But, nah, we'll never have that rare chance to meet. She's miles away; or as she put it, 7106 islands away. Nope,there's no chance.

No chance at all.

AAaaaaand we got the chance to meet. She was in Manila for a day or two, and i had some business to take care of in Manila as well.

I was kinda confident. I was wearing my all-time favorite black shirt. I was a lot fatter back then, but, hey, it's Arthemis. It's not like i'm going to meet some celebrity right? She's just this close friend and this is just a freak opportunity so i might as well take the chance, right? She's like a little sister to me, and i'm gonna treat her as such when we finally meet, right?

Yep, had to convince myself a lot of things.

I knocked. She opened. I gasped (mentally, at least). She's TALL. She's got a good fashion sense. She's got a deeper voice than i expected. She's .. she's..

She's.. beautiful.

We talked. I didn't know if she noticed it, but i was staring at her the whole time. Trust me, i don't usually look at people's eyes when i talk (i'm that kind of asshole. kidding. i'd like to think of myself as the most shy and awkward guy in the world), but i was gazing at her. I remember sitting in an awkward pose back then because i didn't want her seeing my fat belly, hehe. And overall, i just didn't want to look bad in front of her.  I mean, i mean, ..wow.

And suddenly, i find her attractive again. But then i slapped myself (mentally, again) and told myself hey, you've just been in a separation AND a breakup. And she's your "little sister". Pull yourself together.

Snap out of it.

After that meeting, i kinda expected that she'll stop communicating with me. I mean, it did happen once or twice before. I meet someone, we talk awkwardly, and never communicate afterwards. But, i guess she was considering our friendship tenure. I considered it. And she's attractive. Wait, what?

I also treasure this certain time that there was this very strong typhoon here in my area, and she called me. I remember her telling me that she doesn't like answering calls. And yet she called me to check if i was okay. And i heard her voice again. And i remembered how attractive she is. Tsk, there it goes again.

Ever since then, i started to hide the fact that i'm feeling something different towards her by, guess what, starting fights with her. I mean, whenever there's a chance, i would start noticing something about her or about what we were talking about and just start look for faults in it so that we could fight. I kept looking at her pictures and reminded myself how she can sometimes be arrogant and a snob and all kinds of negative stuff that i could think of. Just so that i could convince myself to stop being attracted to her. It's stupid i know. And she's attractive. Argh.

And the funny thing is -- this "hiding my true feelings by starting fights" thing? I didn't realize it until recently.

It started pretty normal last Tuesday, my birthday. She greeted me, and i wasn't even paying attention because i was waiting for Candy to greet me. But that night i said, okay, i'll reply. And i'll say something hateful again and i thought hey maybe i should notice that she has changed a lot and all that. So i told her that. I was kinda getting used to talking negatively to her.

And i'm still regretting it as of the time of writing.

She replied the day after. The conversation started fine. I was in the mood so i didn't pick a fight. In fact i was too in the mood that i acknowledged that with what we have (9 years of friendship)? It could be a very strong basis for a relationship. Never even thought that we'd expound on that thought. But she agreed. And i think we were into something with that conversation; so i was quick to dismiss it. I had to convince myself that nope, no way. I told her that for a relationship to work, we should have feelings for each other. And I SWEAR, back then I was VERY convinced that she doesn't have any feelings for me. Nope, not at all. Zero. Nada.

But i was wrong.

And suddenly, my brain flatlined. And right now, that moment is coming back to me, to the point that i'm literally shaking right now and i have to take a break for a while. Excuse me.

<After ten minutes>

Okay. I'm back. Soooo it was very surprising. It was coming from HER -- she's prideful. She was never open to me romantically And even though she told me that it was like.. a river or something (Yeah, a calm running water to be specific), it's out there. It's done.

She realized, and admitted that she has feelings for me. :O

Until now i don't want to believe it. She tends to experiment on other people; maybe that's it. Maybe she was testing something out and i was her guinea pig.

But, no,... okay, honestly? I WANT to believe it.

After that revelation, i couldn't sleep. AJ was sick, so that's another reason to not sleep. But the truth is, it was because of her. I couldn't function properly that night. I needed to jumpstart my brain again. Quick! What could jumpstart my brain?!

Ironically, it's her.

She was there for me. ALWAYS. I didn't want to notice. I took her for granted. But whenever i was in my lows? BAM. She's there. In fact, it was very RARE that i initiate conversations with her. It was almost always her. And she genuinely cared about me. She was also trying to instill values in me; and even though i didn't like it when she was sharing her random, rather detailed and informative thoughts? I actually regret it now. I realized that she trust me enough to share all those things (which she rarely does to anyone) and i was too stupid to notice it. She was comfortable enough to share her innermost thoughts and feelings to me and i was being a jerk.

I'm...sorry. :(

I'm now gonna refer directly to you; because in a moment, i'm gonna message you in Viber and i will give you a hint that i wrote a new blog post so that you could read this rather lengthy post dedicated to you.

<cue Jason Chen - Best Friend music>

After realizing all these, I,.. honestly don't know if it's just a spur of the moment, or i'm just being opportunistic, or i'm just feeling guilty..

...but,.. there's nothing holding me back right now. We used to be brother-sister; i thought i was "kuyazoned" for life. But that barrier is broken now; now that the revelation is out. So there's nothing to hold me back (well,aside from the other issues you were considering).

But anyway, "N", I have feelings for you too.

But i don't want to impose anything. It's up to you. We could just go back to normal. We could just consider this a thing of the past and it's something that we'll laugh at in the days to come.

But, know this: there's something within me now that wants me to change. I don't want to fail you; whether you like it or not. I actually want to be good at what i'm doing again. I actually want to turn my life around. I thought it was Candy who would give me this spark (no offense to my bespren/ate/whatever), but it was you all along.

So yeah, please don't message me back today telling me that you made a mistake and you don't have feelings for me. At least not yet. That would suck. hehe.

Seriously though. You acknowledged that you have feelings for me. And it was a calm, running water.

Me? I acknowledge it as well. And it's a dam.

A dam that's about to overflow.

The MLM BS

..i'm both feeling guilty and satisfied at the same time.
..a former student of mine suddenly initiated a chat with me on facebook (which she never did before; not once)
..she started with, "hi sir!"
..and my almost instant reply? "mag-aalok ka ng networking noh."
..then she answered, "hindi naman.." (which probably means she was surprised that  i already know, and she's hesitating if she would continue).
..then she asked, "bakit parang parang defensive ka re: networking?"
..and since i wasn't in a good mood right now, i told her the cold, hard, truth.
..that the whole networking thing is a scam which targets stupid / desperate / gullible people.
..and that my family has money so i don't need to rely on such an elaborate scam.

..i feel guilty.but at the same time, i feel satisfied.

..she's replying right now. don't wanna read it....yet. -_-

[UPDATE]: ..she didn't get offended; but UNsurprisingly she found a way to stir the conversation to "bioflavonoids" which led to something about her mom having breast cancer, and will definitely be about a product which contains bioflavonoids which in turn can cure cancer.

..WOW. just.. wow.

[UDPATE2]: ..aaand she's still at it. even if i just seenzone her. -_-

[UPDATE3]: ..yup,she's selling a product. and because i felt guilty earlier, i won't be an asshole to her and instead i replied with this:

..as much as i want to lash out on you because technically this is still networking because you are offering a product which still came from some kind of networking, i respect you as my former student. i liked your attitude before nung nasa school tayo, and you're one of the unique ones, so yeah, i respect you. so i will just promptly and respectfully reject your future offers of that product. smile emoticon
..and by the way,yeah, factual naman yung sinabi mo about bioflavonoids. i'm just not into that talaga. wink emoticon

..so there you go. i hope that's the end of it.

The "Po" and "Opo" Dilemma.

..This has gone too far enough.

..got scolded by my mother because i don't enforce my son to use 'po' and 'opo' even if it's a recent topic in school.
..see? demanding respect. it's just an ego booster so that the elderly / someone in position could feel more important. but it's not about a dumb Philippine tradition. there are many, many ways to show respect but simpletons are just too stuck in the past. kung pipilitin mo ang isang tao na mangopo sayo, i'd suggest na mas piliin pa nyang wag ka nang igalang.
..besides, pag hindi gumamit ng 'po' at 'opo' bastos na ba agad? well..my sweet, lovable, and intelligent son objects.

A Rant Against Homophobes.

..and now nauuso na din sa Pilipinas ang pagra-rally against gay people.
..i'm not gay at all. pero may mga kaibigan akong bakla. i have a cousin or two na gay din. and i ask you now, who the fuck cares?
..sa bawat salitang binibitawan nyo at sa bawat kilos na ginagawa nyo laban sa mga bakla, na sinasabi nyong "hindi gusto" ng diyos nyo.. weh? marunong pa kayo sa diyos nyo ngayon? may sinasaad ba sa bibliya nyo na "kasuklaman nyo ang mga bakla!"? kung meron man, di pa ba kayonagdududa dyan sa diyos nyo? as far as i know your god wants you to spread love and peace; and yet makikita ko sa balita eh mga epal na may karatula na napapaos sa pag-tuligsa sa mga bakla; and habang umeepal kayo sa tv at sa dyaryo, ayun yung mga kinukutsa nyo, nagtatrabaho para may ipakain sa mga mahal nila sa buhay.
..ang daming problema sa mundo. pagnanakaw. panggagahasa. pagpatay. and yet you people seem to think that mas importante na mapuksa ang mga bakla sa mundo.
..tingin muna kayo sa salamin. akala nyo kung sino kayong mga perpekto. kayong mga "tunay na lalake" na diring diri na makakita ng bakla; pero mas lalake pa yung ibang bakla kesa sa inyo. yung mga babae na ayaw ng bakla not because yun daw yung sabi ng religion nila, but because nasasapawan sila and they grow insecure. c'mon. pare-pareho tayong mga TAO. umuupa lang tayo ng oras dito sa napakalaking apartment that we call earth. can't we all just get along while we're still here?
..we humans are naturally afraid of what we can't understand; but we are equipped with a superior intellect to go and try to understand everything...and if until now,kayong mga makikitid ang utak e hindi pa din maintindihan ang konsepto ng pagiging bakla o tomboy,...
..time to go back to your cave, monkeys.

Of Vegeta and Pitfalls

I don't get it. At all.

I'm doing my best. And i mean my BEST. but why isn't it good enough? :(

And that's not just saying something. I'm not some amateur artist or animator. Not saying that i'm so sure of myself but I know i am capable of producing great art and animation; and a lot of people know that.

But, is it by fate that none of them want me? It's as if like i'm destined to NOT land a job even if my portfolio is solid and my skills above average. I've applied to not one but more than five jobs just this month. NONE of them wanted me. BUT if you look at my competitors, they're not as good. Not as experienced. In fact, i've looked into what these employers have produced and i can see A LOT of technical and visual errors that i could have CORRECTED.

I don't get it. Seriously. :(

Is this karma? I don't believe in karma at all but seriously if there's a God up there? He's screwing with me. I'm totally confused.

I would've asked myself, "what would Candy say?", but no, she'll probably scold me after saying all these.and say "you're being overly dramatic again".

Now, i think i'd put myself in the situation of my other idol,. Vegeta. So it's "what would Vegeta do?"

....and i think Vegeta would get infuriated and go berserk. :/

.. BUT, he will train even harder afterwards. so that's that.

..whaddya know? right now i have a shoulder to cry to. guess who? my ex-wife.

..*sigh. i feel so helpless and useless... if this is karma.. if this is what i'm supposed to experience after all the evil things i've done in the past.. then okay, bring 'em on.

..but is it really bad to cry and feel self-pity.. ?