What's eating you?

Very few people know about this. Or maybe just one or two people, or even less.

I never really liked talking about it; because i don't want anyone to pity me or anything.

But just recently my father noticed something about me; about how i move, how i breathe. Rather, how i couldn't breathe.

And that's when i remembered that i have Polyneuropathy / Peripheral Neuropathy. And it's progressive. Progressing even further until now.

And i'm scared.

The purpose of this blog isn't only to let out frustrations; but to let out any other suppressed emotions and/or feelings.

So there. I have a disease that is slowly but consistently eating me away. And i'm scared.

Maybe this is the reason why i'm so clingy and needy. But hey, nobody cares, right?

Right?

Happy Birthday, Siopao!

..Happy 31st Birthday to my ex-wife, Len!
..i've said this a million times before and i'm not gonna stop saying it anytime soon: i'm sorry for all the pain i've caused. despite your unconditional love, your unwavering patience, your unfaltering affection ...i failed you; and ultimately, i failed us.
..to say that i deeply regret everything that i've done is an understatement. i haven't forgiven myself; and i probably never will. now, seeing photographs of you and your genuine smile makes me sad and happy at the same time. sad, because i blame myself for not being the one to raise you up when you needed me most; and happy because you've finally found the one who will do it for you forever.
..i'm taking care of our son the way you wanted me to. he has grown to be a highly intelligent and very affectionate young man. like always, you are welcome to come visit as often as you like -- to provide and share wisdom; to share your achievements and sentiments. and despite all the negative criticism, my parents maintained an open mind and they have been trying their very best to protect you. me,our son, and my parents will always love you and don't ever doubt that.
..to the naysayers, i say this unto you: hurt her and i will hurt you ten times over. all that has happened is on me; don't blame her for my mistakes. don't blame her for being a human being who was unjustly left alone in the dark by the one who was supposed to light the way. don't blame her for finding happiness which was selfishly taken away from her by that one man who should have cherished her forever. you don't know her as much as i've known her all my life; so don't you dare judge her for taking the happier path that she deserves.
..again, happy birthday, Siopao! i will always cherish what we had (and what we currently have); and you will forever have a special place in my heart. our "game" may be over -- you already have your new "player 1", and someday... yeah, maybe i will have a new "player 2"; but our "co-op mode"? it's forever. :)

I hate myself.

I hate myself. Well, okay, i've been hating myself since forever, but this time i really, really hate myself.

Three big projects. Deadline? Tomorrow. Progress? Nada.

Another huge project. Deadline? A week ago. Progress? 10%.

Seriously JC, what's happening? You've never gone so low like this before! What will you say to them?! Can you even return the downpayment they've all paid?

Yeah, I have a reason to really, really hate myself now. But not because i'm lazy (probably the laziest person in the world); but because i let my emotions affect all these. No, i don't blame that girl, seriously. I blame myself for getting too emotional to the point that i don't want to do anything anymore.

And yes, it's still her. "N". That other girl who i thought i was falling for? It was a mistake. It's still "N".

*sigh.

I hate myself. Well, okay, i've been hating myself since forever, but this time i really, really hate myself.

Tricky, confusing, dangerous.

The problem with being in the process of moving on from a girl while at the same time seemingly falling for another girl is that either:

a) You're really falling for the new girl, or
b) Your subconscious is just forcing you to fall for the new girl to speed up the process of forgetting about the previous girl.

It's tricky. It's confusing. It's dangerous.

But i want to choose 'a'. :/

Bench Press!

One of the items in my most wanted list came true: I am about to have an actual bench press (a bench for use in dumbbell workouts and situps), courtesy of my father.

Back then, i used to think that i wanted to buff my body up so that i could get revenge on the girls who rejected me before (something like, "ha-ha! feast your eyes on this, losers!"), but now i realize that it was a pretty lame reason / motivation. Now, i think i will resume working out to feel good about myself. It's some kind of investment and you need to provide a whole lotta effort to see the fruits of it; and believe me, it would be all worth it. ;)

On a different note, I still miss her. Don't get me wrong, though, i DO miss her, but i will never forget what she did to me; to "us".

*sigh.

Looks like i'll be mentioning her in every single blog post here -- up until i get over her (which would take, what, a couple of years?)

Whispering Heart

I was supposed to shut this blog down for good. That particular girl who triggered me to start all these just cut me out of her life; therefore rendering this blog useless (she was the only reader, after all).

But no, i won't sulk around feeling sorry for myself AND for her. I will continue this blog because i consider this some kind of "therapy" so that i won't go lashing out to my son or to anyone i hold dear (TAKE NOTE: NO, of course i don't hurt them. i just tend to say mean stuff. but i never hurt them physically, hah, as if that makes a difference).

So yeah, let's just start again. Start fresh. No holds barred. No filters ('cept for certain names). Nobody's reading this, after all.

This is me. My name is JC. I'm a 31 year old straight guy who's fond of the creatives: graphics, animation, game development, writing novels, theatrical arts, and whatnot. I also work out. I also love cooking. I never really liked acting mature, because it's boring.

I had a wife, Len, but due to me being an arrogant prick who believed that i can do anything, i dared myself to have another relationship with a girl, "S"; and I eventually lost both Len and "S". I've learned my lesson, but it was too late. I now live my 8 year old son, AJ (who's like, the weirdest/most eccentric but most intelligent human that i know, woops, he says he's an Andromedan), and my parents. Quite a loser, huh?

Not quite, actually. I live with the coolest people i know; and we treat each other more like best friends rather than units in a familial hierarchy. We love to show affection and we are never, ever ashamed of it. 

Moreover, i started this blog because of a close friend, "N". We were friends for almost 9 years now. She lives 7106 (?) islands away from me, but it never stopped us from being friends. At first, we just talk about games and drawing and other non-personal stuff; but as we grew older we tend to talk about our innermost desires and sentiments. I kinda took her for granted most of the time; even if she never got tired of saving me; never got tired of keeping me in check; never got tired of always being there for me even if i tend to say hurtful things to her (like what i said in the very first post of this blog). I find it sweet that all this time, she considered my success and achievements to be her own, too. Moreover, she remembered the simplest of things -- from the exact date that we met each other online, down to how i'm very fond of saying "awesome" all the time. Awesome.

Just recently, she admitted that she has feelings for me. One thing led to another, and the whole ordeal got her thinking of possible implications of a potential relationship between us. She got scared; because of a number of reasonable factors. I won't go into detail; but in the end, she decided to let me go. 

She abandoned me.

I got hurt; really bad. First, because i never thought a fellow human being could just throw away an almost 9 year old relationship in a snap. It's like the coldest of the coldest. Second, i thought she was being unfair -- as she never even asked if i'm fine with it. It's like she shoved the decision down my throat and she didn't allow me to spit it out. And third, ... I LOVE HER. Yes, just when i thought that... finally, i could have a relationship with my dream girl (i'm not even exaggerating); just when i thought that i won't need to bury my feelings for her anymore because apparently we both have feelings for each other,...

She kicked me out of her life.

I cried. A lot. The day after the drama, i cried the whole day. I can't even hide it from anyone as my eyes were all red. It's like half of me died. I was imagining a kid who lost his favorite toy -- it may not sound as deep but for a kid? It's everything. 

You think it hurts when a girl you had a relationship with dumped you? Think again -- it actually hurts a whole lot more when you almost had a relationship with a girl you love and she loves you back; but it didn't happen. And it could never happen. Ever.

I mailed her about my lament. I called her unfair. And a coward. Life is all about taking risks; but she played it safe. For the record, this time, i didn't regret what i said. I didn't regret calling her a coward.

Usually, i thought i just go out of the house just for the heck of it. I love walking around within my city. I love seeing beautiful places over and over. But then when all these happened, i tend to do the same but on a higher level: I went to Manila; even formulating an elaborate excuse for my parents to do so. Moreover, when i went to Manila i decided to ask out two people for a date -- nope, not at the same time of course. I asked one during lunch, and the other during dinner. And that night? instead of going home, i decided to linger around and walk under the rain. I walked aimlessly in four different malls: inside, outside and then in again. My feet and my whole body ached like i was going to faint. I didn't leave until it was almost midnight.

It's when i was heading home when i realized: my mind and body automatically did some kind of coping mechanism for me just so i could forget what happened. It wasn't my plan after all; i thought i just wanted to go to Manila just because. But as soon as i was on my way home, as soon as my mind isn't focused on the malls or with my dates, i started thinking about her again.

And i started crying again.

It's hard, and i'm not even sure if i'd forget about you that easily; but i tend to NOT forget about a girl for at least a couple of years. How about you? Will you forget about me just as quick as you threw away our 9 years?

I'd hate to say this, but if she comes back? There's a huge chance that i will accept her back -- even after all that has happened. There's also chance that she'll hurt me again; but hey, at least i took the risk, right?

When i was being all emo yesterday and i was browsing aimlessly on facebook, something caught my eye. I'm sure it was mere coincidence, but my heart tells me that it wasn't:

If you're still reading my blog, that certain statement above nailed what i wanted to tell you.

I love you. I still love you. I don't know for how long, maybe forever, but really.

...I'd like to go outside now. :(

The Walking Idea Generator

..since my "walking idea generator" AKA "the love of my life" (an exaggeration to the point of being sarcastic, hehe) is still missing in action, i can't seem to come up with a very unique and fun game idea. 
..the prize for the contest is literally growing by the minute; and it will continue growing until two days from now. the deadline for game submissions? in less than a month.
..c'mon JC! think!!

..i may have sounded insensitive because it seemed like i'm waiting for her just so that we'd brainstorm new ideas, but seriously. I'm over "it", the excitement and/or emotional drama died down, and i'm totally a rational and mature person now so while i'm being patient, i'm eagerly waiting and ready for whatever you're going to say. :)

H and P

Two more girls - "H" and "P"

"H"

Was a classmate in high school.
We were pretty close back then.
Left for Manila after graduating.
Had the chance to talk again around 2010 (?)
Admitted that she liked me before.
Invited me to do something... naughty a couple of years back.
Kept bugging me about it until now.
Asked if she could be my girlfriend just recently (which i rejected promptly).
SRSLY?

"P"

Was a classmate in high school.
We weren't close at all back then.
Left for Cavite after graduating.
Had the chance to talk again this year.
Admitted that she liked me before.
Proposed that if i do a drawing of her, we'd do something ...naughty.
Kept bugging me about it until now.
Asked if she could be my bestfriend ...with benefits (which i rejected promptly).
SRSLY?

And now i ask, ..no, SRSLY. WTF? O_o

Q and M

Two girls: "Q" and "M"

"Q"

Been friends for... 3 years.
Used to go to the school where i was a professor.
Sister of a close friend.
Not really that close until about a year ago.
Treats me like a mentor.
Chats / texts whenever she got the chance.
Been wanting to bake for a looong time.
Got inspired to actually bake about a year ago because of me.
Has been talking to me about falling out of love with his hubby.
Has been asking me out (yes, seriously) for quite some time now.
Has been drunk texting / messaging me and asking me about true love just recently.
Something's a little off.

"M"

[UPDATE] Had to remove this one. Because why not.


So I ask now: .... SRSLY?

Well, this is a blog where i post about stuff like these, after all. Just a change of phase after a bombardment of... nevermind.

My Muse.

I've been trying to deny it, but okay, here it goes:

I realized that I really, really need a muse for me to function properly. No excuses. It's just the way it is. This is me. And i accept it.

But then just when i thought that i've found my muse, she chose to disappear again. The irony.

And this time i'm worried that she'll dissappear.. forever..

I'm losing all hope.

Next week, i will be doing something that will confirm that i've returned to the dark side; and would probably help me move on. I'll probably regret it, but with this emptiness  i feel now? I think it would be worth it.

And if that day comes, and there's still no sign from her.. I will be the one to stop. And i will be the one to block any communications with her.

I'm sorry.

Majin Vegeta

Majin Vegeta. Enough said.

But, to elaborate, in the Majin Buu saga Vegeta got possessed(?) or controlled (?) by this evil wizard named Babidi. This resulted in Vegeta returning to the dark side; with his suppressed grandeur and negative desires resurfacing.

Since i've been comparing my life to Vegeta's, then okay, at this point, i'm like Majin Vegeta. But my trigger wasn't a possession or anything like that.

It's because again, i'm starting to feel like being good isn't worth it -- especially now when someone i care for dearly has apparently abandoned me.

Okay, actually this post is indeed about her, with the Majin Vegeta as only an intro.

Seriously.. why? Why remain cold when it was one of the triggers that started all these?

Will you really return? Or will i be just some chapter in your life and you've moved on?

Are you really okay with letting me go?

Still so many questions in my head; but one thing is for certain: i'm not gonna move on from this. I'm not gonna give up on you. I won't be just some chapter in your life. I won't let that 9 years go to waste.

Would you?

Majin Vegeta is starting to take over. Not a threat; but just FYI.

I miss you. :(

404: Inspiration not found.

Yep, that's my name. And that's a new job. Because i'm inspired again.

But the thing is, ..i'm starting to fall back again; especially when the one who inspired me is nowhere to be found.. :(

What Might Have Been.

What might have been.

I dunno why i relate to this song so much. It's not even the same as "our" case per se. But i guess... kinda?

But, with this song, I remember all those times that she did stuff that she wouldn't normally do/show other guys. I remember this certain time that i posted something about what i like the most about a girl is being down to earth; then after a day or so she tried her very best to be down to earth through the way she talks (i noticed this. if you're reading this, just correct me if i'm wrong).

Anyway, I was pretty much oblivious all those years. And in one way or another, i guess she was, too... but more like, she was denying that certain feeling. I don't know. Honestly. I don't know.

But yeah, i love this song. It's just me, but in my mind i just want the situation in that song to be what me and her are in right now.

If only she'd come back and let her presence felt :(

I miss her. Candy said to not text or message her frequently as this would make me kinda like a stalker; so okay i won't. Besides, i don't even know if she reads all these.

*Sigh. I miss you. So bad.

If only I'd known sooner. I should've done something. I believe "we" can be possible. But.. i don't know.

What might have been.