A dam.

Her name is "N" (for privacy purposes).

Way back in November 2006 we met online through...err, Gaia Online. I don't like MMOs. At all. But GO's a bit different in a way that it's not 3d, and the characters looked more like little cute "sprites" so i didn't have a hard time adapting to it (i love anything retro when it comes to gaming). So i tried it.

And we became friends.

I introduced myself as "Adrian" (after Adrian Farenheit Tepes aka Alucard from the Castlevania series) and she introduced herself as Arthemis. Couldn't remember more details, but after that initial meeting i kinda stopped playing GO. Hey, at least i made one friend, right?

I frequented her Friendster page (lol, Friendster) and saw that she got injured or something. I immediately asked why; and she told me that it was due to some taekwondo mishap. But after that conversation, we communicated a bit more.

I told her about my game development career, and coincidentally, she was into games and drawing manga/anime as well. We became closer because we tried (and a lot of times failed) to start game-related projects together. But somehow, even though not a single project ever came through, we kept holding on to our friendship.

Yeah, i did find her attractive back then; but our age gap (it was more apparent that time, hehe) and the fact that i was still married kinda held me back. So i instead looked at her as a little sister; and i think she did the same. So we're good.

Yup, we're good.

Time passed. We still communicated; though there were times that we had this thing called "falling out" wherein we didn't communicate for weeks or months. I guess since we're both introverts (semi?) we needed some "me" time every now and then.

But hey, at least we're still hanging on, right?

We never really did consider meeting up. We were fine with just being online friends; online co-game developers. But deep within me, somehow I actually wanted to meet her. I mean, aside from Lohne (my ex-bestfriend/brother), she stuck around even if she didn't have a lot of reasons to do so.

But, nah, we'll never have that rare chance to meet. She's miles away; or as she put it, 7106 islands away. Nope,there's no chance.

No chance at all.

AAaaaaand we got the chance to meet. She was in Manila for a day or two, and i had some business to take care of in Manila as well.

I was kinda confident. I was wearing my all-time favorite black shirt. I was a lot fatter back then, but, hey, it's Arthemis. It's not like i'm going to meet some celebrity right? She's just this close friend and this is just a freak opportunity so i might as well take the chance, right? She's like a little sister to me, and i'm gonna treat her as such when we finally meet, right?

Yep, had to convince myself a lot of things.

I knocked. She opened. I gasped (mentally, at least). She's TALL. She's got a good fashion sense. She's got a deeper voice than i expected. She's .. she's..

She's.. beautiful.

We talked. I didn't know if she noticed it, but i was staring at her the whole time. Trust me, i don't usually look at people's eyes when i talk (i'm that kind of asshole. kidding. i'd like to think of myself as the most shy and awkward guy in the world), but i was gazing at her. I remember sitting in an awkward pose back then because i didn't want her seeing my fat belly, hehe. And overall, i just didn't want to look bad in front of her.  I mean, i mean, ..wow.

And suddenly, i find her attractive again. But then i slapped myself (mentally, again) and told myself hey, you've just been in a separation AND a breakup. And she's your "little sister". Pull yourself together.

Snap out of it.

After that meeting, i kinda expected that she'll stop communicating with me. I mean, it did happen once or twice before. I meet someone, we talk awkwardly, and never communicate afterwards. But, i guess she was considering our friendship tenure. I considered it. And she's attractive. Wait, what?

I also treasure this certain time that there was this very strong typhoon here in my area, and she called me. I remember her telling me that she doesn't like answering calls. And yet she called me to check if i was okay. And i heard her voice again. And i remembered how attractive she is. Tsk, there it goes again.

Ever since then, i started to hide the fact that i'm feeling something different towards her by, guess what, starting fights with her. I mean, whenever there's a chance, i would start noticing something about her or about what we were talking about and just start look for faults in it so that we could fight. I kept looking at her pictures and reminded myself how she can sometimes be arrogant and a snob and all kinds of negative stuff that i could think of. Just so that i could convince myself to stop being attracted to her. It's stupid i know. And she's attractive. Argh.

And the funny thing is -- this "hiding my true feelings by starting fights" thing? I didn't realize it until recently.

It started pretty normal last Tuesday, my birthday. She greeted me, and i wasn't even paying attention because i was waiting for Candy to greet me. But that night i said, okay, i'll reply. And i'll say something hateful again and i thought hey maybe i should notice that she has changed a lot and all that. So i told her that. I was kinda getting used to talking negatively to her.

And i'm still regretting it as of the time of writing.

She replied the day after. The conversation started fine. I was in the mood so i didn't pick a fight. In fact i was too in the mood that i acknowledged that with what we have (9 years of friendship)? It could be a very strong basis for a relationship. Never even thought that we'd expound on that thought. But she agreed. And i think we were into something with that conversation; so i was quick to dismiss it. I had to convince myself that nope, no way. I told her that for a relationship to work, we should have feelings for each other. And I SWEAR, back then I was VERY convinced that she doesn't have any feelings for me. Nope, not at all. Zero. Nada.

But i was wrong.

And suddenly, my brain flatlined. And right now, that moment is coming back to me, to the point that i'm literally shaking right now and i have to take a break for a while. Excuse me.

<After ten minutes>

Okay. I'm back. Soooo it was very surprising. It was coming from HER -- she's prideful. She was never open to me romantically And even though she told me that it was like.. a river or something (Yeah, a calm running water to be specific), it's out there. It's done.

She realized, and admitted that she has feelings for me. :O

Until now i don't want to believe it. She tends to experiment on other people; maybe that's it. Maybe she was testing something out and i was her guinea pig.

But, no,... okay, honestly? I WANT to believe it.

After that revelation, i couldn't sleep. AJ was sick, so that's another reason to not sleep. But the truth is, it was because of her. I couldn't function properly that night. I needed to jumpstart my brain again. Quick! What could jumpstart my brain?!

Ironically, it's her.

She was there for me. ALWAYS. I didn't want to notice. I took her for granted. But whenever i was in my lows? BAM. She's there. In fact, it was very RARE that i initiate conversations with her. It was almost always her. And she genuinely cared about me. She was also trying to instill values in me; and even though i didn't like it when she was sharing her random, rather detailed and informative thoughts? I actually regret it now. I realized that she trust me enough to share all those things (which she rarely does to anyone) and i was too stupid to notice it. She was comfortable enough to share her innermost thoughts and feelings to me and i was being a jerk.

I'm...sorry. :(

I'm now gonna refer directly to you; because in a moment, i'm gonna message you in Viber and i will give you a hint that i wrote a new blog post so that you could read this rather lengthy post dedicated to you.

<cue Jason Chen - Best Friend music>

After realizing all these, I,.. honestly don't know if it's just a spur of the moment, or i'm just being opportunistic, or i'm just feeling guilty..

...but,.. there's nothing holding me back right now. We used to be brother-sister; i thought i was "kuyazoned" for life. But that barrier is broken now; now that the revelation is out. So there's nothing to hold me back (well,aside from the other issues you were considering).

But anyway, "N", I have feelings for you too.

But i don't want to impose anything. It's up to you. We could just go back to normal. We could just consider this a thing of the past and it's something that we'll laugh at in the days to come.

But, know this: there's something within me now that wants me to change. I don't want to fail you; whether you like it or not. I actually want to be good at what i'm doing again. I actually want to turn my life around. I thought it was Candy who would give me this spark (no offense to my bespren/ate/whatever), but it was you all along.

So yeah, please don't message me back today telling me that you made a mistake and you don't have feelings for me. At least not yet. That would suck. hehe.

Seriously though. You acknowledged that you have feelings for me. And it was a calm, running water.

Me? I acknowledge it as well. And it's a dam.

A dam that's about to overflow.