Genuine Laugh

..i dont know if someone's still reading this blog; but here it goes.
..i have.. what they call.. a f*ck buddy. for quite some time now. probably.. more than three years already? but anway, she eventually fell in love me. unfortunately, i can't love her back. i don't know why.
..but anyway,that's not the issue here; actually. whenever i wanted to err.. "meet" with my FB (f*ck buddy), and she declines for some valid reason/s, ..i get mad. and i mean,really really mad. and you know what i ALWAYS do when i'm mad? i say words. HURTFUL words. it's in my nature. i've been like that since.. i can't even remember. but that was my method to get the things i wanted. and honestly? i regret saying those hurtful words after my tantrums.
..so this FB of mine, since she already fell for me, she's PATIENT. very, very patient. but these past few weeks, i went into berserk mode again.. but this time, she fought back.
..she actually wanted out. at first, her reason was because i couldn't love her back; but then apparently it was because of my constant berserk mode that put her off. she reminded me that she's human too; she's a woman... who deserves respect. and saying all those mean things to her, it hurt her A LOT.
..i apologized, and it's the very first sincere apology i ever offered her. she accepted the apology; thankfully -- but here comes the eye opener..
..we were chatting,yeah. but then i switched to another tab in my browser where a pic of my son, AJ, was posted. i saw him laughing... it's what i call a "genuine laugh" from him because he really is very happy in that picture; and seeing him that happy makes me happy as well....

...then suddenly, i remembered: whenever i get mad at AJ, i do the same thing i did to my FB: i say very, very hurtful words.

..and i realized: the reason why i feel very happy whenever i see AJ smile or laugh, is because i admire him for being patient with me all this time.. he's a KID who've been dealing with my shit FOR 8 YEARS NOW. and yet he still gets to smile and laugh and LOVE ME after all the things i've been saying to him. i cried (and im still crying) because of this realization..
..i eventually stood up and paused typing this and went to AJ's room. gave him a warm hug and a loving kiss; and said goodnight to him; but i know that it's not enough.. and it will take a lifetime to make it up to him. i'm not gonna show you this blog, dude. but i swear when the time is right very soon i'm going to talk to you and very humbly apologize to you for all the things i've said.
..and while i'm at it, i would like to apologize to my loved ones -- who left me because i was mean to them... to my ex-wife, Marilyn. to my brother, Lohne. to my ex-girlfriend, Stella. to another ex-girlfriend, Maricel. to my older sister, Candy (and thank you for accepting me back). to my dearest sister, Anna (i believe i sometimes go berserk on you as well) ...and to "her".. to "N". trust me, Arthemis, i now TRULY know how you must've felt before. even though you're ignoring me right now, i swear, I AM VERY SORRY.
..funny, it took an "FB" to realize all my faults. i mean, i already know that i've been like that before; but i think this is the very first time that i accept and truly regret it.